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Thursday, April 21st, 2011

Time:10:54 am.
Mood: blah.
It has been forever since I have even considered my online journal. I do miss it though. Figure I should make some time to sit down here and type out memeories, worries, and just the basic info so that I have at least a record. I currently am sitting in a classroom in the psychology building not paying attention to the professor droning on about sterotypes. Its my last quarter of my undergraduate degree...I having a bit of struggle staying focused on classes. Have homework due tonight that I finally am working on so I can't type in here right now but I wanted to see how it would feel to be back here again...its official..I have missed it.
what's buried in me

Monday, August 16th, 2010

Subject:Blechy moods and technical issues..
Time:2:17 pm.
Discovered that something has made my journal go wonky and all the type is in black on a black background so I can't read my old posts or friend's page with out highlighting the text. :( gonna have to see if I can catch linds and have her fix it, since she was the one who snazzified my journal in the first place.

So I've been in funk for two days now..today I think it might be breaking up a bit, which is nice. Not really sure why exactly I think there are a couple of factors. Money is super tight right now, to the point of I don't know how we're gonna make it day to day but we are striving to get through it. We still are searching for a new home for our ponies and the tension level at the current place is super high which makes going to take care of our ponies on a daily basis very stressful. Teddi goes back to college in MI on Wed. She is thrilled and I am happy for her too and see benifits for myself with her going but its still kinda sad. I've gotten used to having her around everyday. Lastly Neil has been so super busy that he and I have barely had anytime to talk and when we do talk he is so absorbed in his class projects that it tends to monoplize our conversation. I am not complaining really, I am very happy he is this close to being done with his first degree and so proud of what he has accomplished this far but sometimes I need some time too. I did finally tell him this today and we got a little bit of time to chat online which was nice. I was beginning to feel very isolated, he is more than just my boyfriend he is my best friend and I needed some of my best friends attention. I am supposed to get to talk to him on his way to school today too so that should be nice too.

I'm slowly sorting out how next quarter's schedule will look each day of the week and it is starting to feel more real and do able which is a good thing.
Its looking like Sundays will be free for sleep, laundry, me time and homework (proally mostly homework), Mondays will either be spend on homework and at PBJ Connections (my intership placement) or on campus working my student job. Tuesday will be the hell day because I will have to be up before 5am and on the road by 5:30am inorder to get to my 7:30 class and I will be in class until about 8pm...my classes are not all directly back to back but I do have a streach in the morning and evening that I bounce from one to another with 15mins between or something. Wed will be spent like Monday either working on campus and doing homework or at PBJ. Thurs morning will be spent working I think and then I have class from 1 to about 8. Friday will be either PBJ or Working on campus with the possiblity of doing a show for Cloak and Dagger. Saturdays will be spent working at PBJ, doing homework or doing a show for Cloak and Dagger.

I am excited about the Cloak and Dagger theatre stuff. I am working as the Stage Manager, Ruth got me in to it with her. The actors like me and I am getting the swing of things. Its a cool concept for a theatre too cause its a dinner theatre where the actors do all the serving too. Plus it will bring in an extra 50 to 100 a week depending on how many shows I do. There is a rotating staff of Stage Managers currently so I am unsure how many shows I will get but two of them are going out on leave so it could be mostly me and Ruth doing the show in Sept - Dec.

I am working on to do lists for before school starts. On the top of my list is make sure my room is completely functional before classes start so I can get into a good routine and be as productive and destressed as possible.

Neil and I have been talking alot about our future, what we want to see, what we want to happen. Its been nice and very productive I think. he has also decided that he does want kids if its in the cards for us. Infact he went from wanting NONE to wanting 4. I think he is nuts. I told him two that gives us three with emily and if he would count avia itd be 4. We shall see who wins this debate. I'm starting to wonder if its not just reverse psychology..hoping i will counter his 4 with 0. But I dont really think so cause he sounds excited when he talks about it now. Its cute. I am so done looking for anyone else I have found where I belong and its with him. Things may not always be ideal but I dont care. He love me, I can not wait to see what life will be like when we are no long so far apart so much of the time. Long distence is horrible.

Osu is messing with my financial aid again. They have put a hold on all my funds and want the appeal form, they told me I couldn't fill out until next quarter, already filled out and turned in. I could've killed them. The lady I delt with this time was nice and appologized for the bad info and asssured me that I should have not issues getting the aid I need in the correct amount of time as long as I get the appeal form in this week so I have an appt with Andrea, my advisor, tomorrow and the aid office will have the form up there nose tomorrow.

Stupid Columbus State has blocked my Live Journal site so I can no longer post when I am there..good thing Teri and I should have internet with in a month or so cause I miss posting. I was seriously itching to get some of this stuff off my mind and into a journal. Now that I have I feel a lil bit better. This isn't quite the complete post I was going for but its a good start. :)
what's buried in me

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Time:9:17 pm.
Mood: productive.
I'm back in the CSCC computer lab and trying to be productive. I've printed information from both schools that I am considering for Grad school. Figure since I don't have classes right now what better time to learn about the schools than now especially when you consider that I will be super busy in fall and winter break is when I will be gathering my application information and writting my personal statements. I also printed fall's class schedule double checked that the classes are all still there. Printed the needed form for my federal work study appeal, since they didn't aword me any work study money AGAIN.

I opened live journal with a post started in my head..but now that I sit here I think I will just leave this at a littl post of have done stuff. I keep expecting Teri to come in soon and when she does I will turn this computer over to her since my name and such dont work here anymore. Rather then be mid post I think I am just gonna call this post done.
what's buried in me

Monday, July 19th, 2010

Subject:What I want...
Time:9:09 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.
the future has been on my mind alot. There are many reasons for this I am sure. Perhaps it is because the present is so unsure, where will we put the ponies, how is the money issue going to work out, is Teddi going away to school or staying here, where do I apply for grad school, what will happen when I appeal for work study and for the extension on my aid to finish school, etc. While I am doing very well at trying to keep all my concerns in check and keep myself remembering that I can only tackle one problem at a time and some of these issues will take time to fully sort out it can get hard. So much of my life is not up to me right now. So I look forward to the future. What do I want? What would I like to see in my life once my batchelors degree is done, when my masters degree is done?

I could start by listing the basics that should be considered common sense like I want to find a good job in my field of study. I want a home, I would love to own it but I would be happy with a rent to own or even just rented to begin with, though I will hope we can decorate and paint as we like and that we wont have to worry about having pets in the rental. I will assume that I got my January wedding and pray that it turned out even half as pretty as it is in my mind's eye.

I want a home that is welcoming. I want a home, one that is comfortable for visitors and for the family living there. I want to know that the kids (whether just emily or if we have any others) are comfortable bringing their friends home, or having them stay over night. I want the home that has yummy stuff the kids can look forward too, especially around the holidays or special occasions i.e. sleep overs. I also want to make sure that my family is eating healthy, as least as much as possible. I intend to say away from canned veggies and go for fresh and frozen becasue the nutirents are better and there is less sodium and preseratives.

I want my home to always reflect the holidays, especially Chirstmas. Neil says that between teh two of us he expects that our house will practically vomit christmas in every room, which is true. I want it to always smell like christmas during the hoidays too so that means having yummy candles burning or yummy things baking.

I want security, not riches or expensive things just security. I want to know that we have a safety net of at least a little bit. I want health insurance, which shouldnt be a problem if I work for the government like I expect I will.

Critters, we will have critters. I have happily accepted that Dale is my dog now and Neil has accepted to too. I think those two will be good for each other too. :) We will always have to have another dog too becasue of Dale's anxitey issues but thats ok. Neil wants a German Shepard and I would love a cocker spaniel and husky/wolf before I die. :) I figure since I will be close to Sarah I will be a rescue/foster home for critters she gets from donnie's humane society aunt. Neil and I both want fish tanks. I want one in the living room, I would love to put one in the Office and maybe the Kitchen and if they kids want one I will put little tanks in thier rooms. I would love a big back yard and to be on the outskirts of town so we can have fires out back.

I want to be the central hub for where my family goes for holidays. I want a home that I can accomidate all our family. No that doesnt mean I want some HUGE HOUSE, especially since I am going to be the one doing most of the cleaning, but I do want to make sure we have ways to accomidate people. I want to be the one cooking thanksgiving and christmas diners.

I will always have ponies and I want to get into lessons with sarah. I also want, if the kids are interested, them to be able to do lessons. They will not, however, get their own horse until they can afford it. THey will understand the true cost, both monitary and time, that comes with owning said horse. I want to make sure they all have formal swimming lessons as well unless I teach them, whioh I can do.

I want to get the tools needed to decorate cakes and make my own birthday cakes for our holidays/birthdays. I want to be the mom brining in special cupcakes and cookies for things in school. :)

Right now I look at my life and I see a path, sketchy, and rocky but a path none the less and I am going to keep plugging along on that path until I start to see my dreams and wishes slowly begin to be realized. I also am very excited to see what happens that I didnt think of or account for..both good and bad. I am under no illusion taht once I graduate it will all be smooth sailing. I just am puting into word form some of the things that I see in my dreams.
what's buried in me

Friday, July 16th, 2010

Time:9:27 pm.
So yesterday was a very trying day, but I don't think I can just start with yesterday I think I need to back up at least two days to fully formulate this story.

I spend tuesday night and Wednesday with Neil. It was an amazing time. We talked; we spent time together like we really haven't in awhile. He had a minor crisis while I was there becasue of an appitude test and interview thing with a company that didn't go like he had hoped but we worked slowly through that. After his test we went to Olive Garden for dinner together and then we went to a meeting. We were so early that we wondered around the neighborhood where the meeting was to be held and looked at the houses there. We discussed what we would like to see in a house of our own and fun stuff like decorating for christmas. Neil's current favorite thing to say is that our house will vomit christmas on both the inside and the outside. :) He has recently had a HUGE change in heart about the two of us havign children so we even discussed things like that. It was a great time together. I got home just before 10 wens evening and crashed for the night. The next day I headed to work with Teddi in toe. I dropped here off here at CSCC and I headed on to work at the lIbrary. At work my computer gave me issues so I moved stations and tied to focused on my job at hand. I felt very distracted the entire day so when 3 hit I was slowly going insane and I decided I was hitting the road at 3:30. I headed to snap up teddi and head to Mt.vernon and the store to grab dinner. Every single good route out of town had accidents at it so I went the back way to pick Teddi up and we stopped to grab a couple of drinks and a little bit of gas. I shut of the car and as of right now it has not turned back on again. :( The starter seems to have crapped out on me.

So today I had to call off of work because there was no way to ensure Teri and I both got where we needed to with only one car today and now, after going with her to fetch my replacement starter, I am hangin out at CSCC playing on the internet.

I have decided that I am not just going to apply to OSU's Masters program. I am going to also apply to Case Western's Masters program also. They have my school social work focus and a very good program. It would make it a two year course of study however their internships pay (unlike OSU), I'd be working and learning in the area I am figuring I will find my job at after graduation since I am moving up there with Neil if all goes according to plan. It would be new professors and with that comes new information and perspectives. However the cost is astronomical, now the director and my advisor at OSU says that Case Western gives out money like it is going out of style so IF they offer me the money I would need to go there I will consider it if not that I will continue with my plan of doing the accelorated masters at osu and being done in a year.

Well I am bored so I guess I will wrap this up and see if I can find a game to play or something. :)
what's buried in me

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

Time:3:35 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
It is interesting to me how difficult the concept of deal with Today alone can be for people, myself included. However if you think about it today is the only thing that exists.

Yesterday is done, you can do nothing to change the events of it, you can replay a game or respeak a conversation (do not confuse this with rediscussing a topic from a prior converstation, that is still a new conversation today it doesn't change the previous one). Nothing about yesterday is fluid, changable or manipulatable by those of us in today. That can be a scary concept for people, especially ones who feel like the essence of themselves was left somewhere in the past or lost with someone from their past. The ones who can not let go of high school feelings or grudges, or are having a difficult time continuing on in their own lives without someone they have lost in one of their many yesterdays. We have already lived yesterday it is now a part of our past, our past is not something to be ashamed of or concerned over, it just is. However we should not take it for granted either, the past can teach, can hold plesant memeories of good times gone by, can renew strenght, and can revivify feelings. The past is a treasure, it may not all shine like well polished gold as we may wish, it may have spots of tarnish or even rust that we are not proud of but as life progresses we maybe able to polish some of those spots or even replace some of the rust but at least acceptance of how those spots came to be is key to finding happiness in Today. And Today is all we truly have so filling it with happiness vs. regret is a fulfilling and empowering course of action.

Tomorrow isn't here yet however if you think that alot of people worry/live in the past I would venture to guess that even more live in the future. Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying that you shouldn't have dreams, or make plans there is a difference in living in the future and living for the future. Living for the future means making plans, getting an education to get a better job, buying a house,investing, however living in the future means that you miss out on the present things going on. You are too busy waiting on whats to come to see what is. Tomorrow never truely gets here so how can we expect to find happiness in it if we are attempting to live in it now? Tomorrow is something to strive for, something to plan for, something to dream of and even, at times, something to fear. However if tomorrow starts becoming to large of a concept in one's mind perhaps reminding one's self that tomorrow do not truely exist, today is all we have to worry about, may help to shrink tomorrow down to the proper size.

What does today offer us? Today offeres the opportunity to achieve goals, both small ones and ones that we have planned for, today offers us the opportunity to find happiness in the little things going on around us ever minuet. Today is filled with the people around us that we love and even that we are not fond of, each one leaving an impression of themselves on our day. Today is filled with accomplishments, frustrations, and even failures but if you add patience and acceptance into the mix today becomes more managable and less intimidating. Today needs to be lived in and fully expierenced becasue it is really all we have.
what's buried in me

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

Subject:I miss this thing...especially right now
Time:3:36 pm.
Why is it that when I get bit by the livejournal bug I never have access to the internet at home?

Ok so right now it is the summer quarter. I am off of school until Sept because the CAP program takes the summer off. I only have 3 more quarters until I am finished with my degree. That is a mind boggling thought but exciting.

This winter I apply for graduate schools. Case Western and OSU are the two on my list. If Case Western offers me a free ride or very close to a free ride I will head there most likely if not then I will continue my education here at OSU. Either way it should be an adventure.

Just got done with a camping trip with Neil. The June AA Sober and Camping thing we have done before. It was fun. Teddi tagged along as well. We cooked out over a fire every day. I made Pancakes for the first time ever period and even though it was over a fire, which adds to teh challenge, they turned out great!I was very proud of myself. We did roast corn and potatoes too. I attended every AA meeting with him except for the Sunday morning one becasue Teddi and I had to leave at 8am.

Teddi and I headed to Mom and Dads. She was scheduled to do the radio show with the grandparents and I was scheduled to go be deputized with dad. After all that was done we spent a nice day with Dad and Mom, had pizza and came home.

It has been an interesting ride thus far this summer. First we find out Dianna is sick, then the quarter ends, then we find out we need to move the horses. From there we go to Teri and I having too many credit hours and needing to appeal for schooling money. Grrr...and it just seems to keep going like this. So evidently we all have the summer off so these stressors do not disrupt our school work.

Linds has surgery on the 2nd of July. Younger than me and having to have a hysterectamy (or how ever that is spelld) sucks. I wish I could be there for her. I hate how far away she is and how strapped for money we are right now it leaves me feeling very helpless and worthless.

Teddi's 21st birthday is next week. I wish I had the money to do what I had wanted to do but for now I guess we will have to settle for movies, popcorn and a cake. I have decided though taht before school starts in the fall the 3 of us girls, at least, if not kristi and anyone else who wants to tag along area all going out to eat, ordering alcohol if we want and maybe hitting a movie. I think it sounds like a great idea of a preschool outing.

I was in a big post mood when I started this but now the mood has left and this post just sounds like a generic update letter so I am calling it done.
1 decided to see what's buried in me

Sunday, February 21st, 2010

Subject:Alot going on...
Time:1:50 pm.
Mood: busy.
There has been so much going on lately...

From applying to the CAP program to receiving my acceptance, now I've had orientation and it is all finally starting to feel real.

I start the program next quarter and graduate in one year. This means that in less than one year it will be time to make some major decisions. Right into grad school? I know that I will apply to grad school at both OSU and Case Western because they both offer GOOD school social work programs. Honestly I think the orientation for CAP actually gave me more to think about after the program ends then while its going on. Don't get me wrong this program is going to take ALOT out of me. For two full quarters I will be so overloaded that all my coping and organizational skills will be put to the test as well as my patience and belief in my own abilities. But the benefit is just to strong I have to try.

The advisers of the CAP program spent some time talking to me about my future after the program and getting a feeling for what I want to happen because I was the first one at the orientation. They told me that I should easily be able to do grad school at OSU even if I lived in Akron. They would just help me find an intern ship there in Akron or Cleveland area and I would just have to drive to school one day a week for classes. That is a very very tempting idea, especially since Neil will have already graduated and with his skills and knowledge should easily be working for a good company and possibly making enough to do the house hold expenses. If this were true I could work part time and get my graduate degree from OSU or Case and finally be living with him...our lives starting before either of us thought possible. I haven't really had a chance to talk to him about this whole line of thought yet so hopefully soon I will get to. It is still along ways off but it is also a lot to think about and honestly needs to partially be organized starting now so that the transition will go smoother.

I should really be working on homework I just feel so scatterbrained...my focus has been really shot lately. Not fully sure why either. I am wondering if the new meds they have me on aren't taking a mild tole on me while my body adjusts to them. I am hungry more then I have ever really be other times, feeling moody and tend to be snappy sounding even when I don't feel like it. I keep hoping that once I've been on these meds for a full month or so I will be able to tell what is side effects and what is actually something going on with me. I know something is though..I am dreaming way more then I ever tend to so I don't know if that means I am sleeping better or worse. I've only been on my new birth control for a month now and I just started the new level of thyroid med about a week ago so I am going to give it a little while longer before I worry and talk to the dr. I am supposed to be scheduling follow ups with both drs in April anyways.

So time to buckle down and find employment. I applied to NetCare yesterday. I am sending out my resume to Choices this week and I am going to start inquiring about other jobs. I only have two more quarters where I can work more than 15 hours once fall kicks in I am going to be seriously strapped even worse for money then I am now because of how time consuming the Cap program is going to be. So Spring and summer need to be used to find how money is going to be coming in and all that jazz. I am going to email the social work adviser about the possible scholarships the college offers and see if I have any chance to increase my scholarships and that would free up more of my school loans for me to survive on.

So much to think about and so little time to figure it all out. I just keep telling myself I have made it this far I can keep going. So that is exactly what I am going to do, keep going.

So now I need to be going back to my school work. Its not going to study itself that's for sure.
what's buried in me

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

Subject:2010 So far...
Time:10:15 am.
So we have purchased a truck, it's a bit on the older side being an '88 but it runs nice and while its not the nicest to look at it is not nearly as bad as the Ranger we got rid of by any stretch. The new truck is a '88 Ford F150 two tone tan in color. It has a reese hitch on the back and it drove like a dream in the test drive. Sounds like there might be a slight exhaust leak but nothing dramatically huge. So we are soon to be a two vehicle fully functional household. Thank GOD! I can begin the process of finding employment both with my work study grant and off campus. I have some pretty good leads on the work study so beginning this week I am going to start setting up interviews. I figure I will work on campus Mon-Thurs and at least Sat-Sun off campus or even Fri- Sun. I am trying to keep friday or sunday open as a day completely off because I know that is what works best for me but we will see how things work out when I get to that point.

Oliver, the kitten I rescued from the barn on Dec 22nd, was sick so Monday last week he went to the vet to be checked out. She thinks that he is about 6 to 7 weeks old (so technically he was too young to leave mom when I got him but who ever dropped him off didn't care) and that he might have gotten a viral infection that combined with the little bit of fleas and possibly worms he had and made him sick. She pumped him full of fluids to break his fever, gave him antibiotics, flea stuff, wormier, and sent home more antibiotics to try to make him feel better. With in 24 hours he was showing signs of feeling slightly better and yesterday I think he told me he was feeling too darn good for me to be giving him his meds anymore. He still got them mind you but it was more of an argument then he has ever given me about them. While he was at the vet they just fussed and fussed about what a good kitten he was and he really is, I mean he spend HOURS curled up sleeping in the kitty carrier cause he had to go to Columbus when I did which was in the morning but his appointment wasn't until 4:30. He didn't care one bit though he just cruised around with me and slept. He woke me up playing loudly and then attacked me this morning so I would say we are feeling much better. I need to get the camera out and take some pics of him with that cause so far all i have are cell phone pics.

My Desk top is dead but in the process of being fixed. I seem to have been hit by a virus and have to reinstall windows so I should be up and running very soon.

Neil is concerning me a tad though and I can not wait until he goes to see his Dr on tuesday. His actions have become very careless and risky. He fell off the roof right before new years because he wasn't being careful enough while taking down his christmas lights, He has spun out his car twice and ended up in the ditch once in this weather we have been having but he shouldnt be having problems like that because he is one of the best snow drivers I know. Two nights ago he and i discussed my fears of these actions and his attitudes lately and I forced him to come face to face with it and it shook him up. He thinks that since in OCT when he was going to commit suicide he didnt go through with it he is subconsciously still trying. Luckily he and I have continued to discuss this issue and he is going to the WAY earlier then he was scheduled in order to try to deal with these issues. Mom paid his cell phone bill for him this month to make sure it stays on because his mom refused to pay it and he cant call me from the house phone because its not allowed. He hasn't had any word from unemployment about if they are going to extend his pay for being laid off or not. We shall see i guess.

I am getting involved at school and joining the CSWSA (College of Social Work Student Association) as one of their representatives for the Pre-social work class. I can only do this role for this quarter but maybe next quarter I can step into a different role. The group does a lot of charity and activist groups while also trying to help students gain skills in things like writing a resume, studying, and the job force they are trying to get into. I am excited about the many opportunities I am gaining in this college of study. Next quarter I will have an independent study course to do with a faculty adviser who has already offered to help me. I am excited to see where my schooling takes me. Speaking of schooling I should wrap this up and get back to studying.
what's buried in me

Time:9:51 am.
Mood: optimistic.
So last year was one of the worst I think I have experienced in a very long time. From injuries, to job issues, school issues, car issues, losing the house, breaking up with Neil then struggling against his family because they are convinced I am the anti-Christ come to break up the family. Moving out of the house in the winter over holidays and during fall quarter, having the truck die right after finding out that we have to be out of the house WAY earlier then originally stated. Not getting the truck back for two months then driving it for all of three days and having it blow up again, then get towed to impound. Trying to move with Paige and having her truck explode on us then borrowing the Farm's extra Ranger to try and get some moving done. ::Sigh:: Issues with Nicky, then Nicky moving out with little warning and little regard to feelings or friendships. Finding out that someone who was supposed to be one of my closest friends got engaged and then married with out even telling me after so many times we talked about being others' maids of honor. Had to move back to Mt. Vernon and deal with grandma's many issues. Beth having to move in with mom and dad after me finally deciding that I could not rearrange my existence that much and go home myself. It has just been HELL, for more then just me I know, but I have had my fair share. I have not been this happy to see a year end in a long time. Now on to the next one, 2010 I am viewing as a rebuilding year. Major goal is to get our feet back under us and maybe make it so that we are a little more sturdy on our feet so when life tries to kick the footing out from under us we don't fall quite as far.

This year I have a couple of things I want to work on. Things I need to do to make my life a little smoother I think. Resolutions per-say.

Trying to get into the CAP (Accelerated Bachelors Program) in social work at OSU means that my life will become even more consumed with schooling so I need to work on making sure that I am spending the proper amount of time studying. To often I let other things get in my line of vision and the books fall to the side. I need to remember that success in this program is my goal and it is carrying me to my future. The better I do in this program the more doors that will open to me. I need lots of doors.

I need to focus a little more on my own well being. I am going to start using the RPAC which is the exercise center on campus. I have already started the process of better taking care of myself because I am back on my meds and have been to the doctor. I figure that I should easily be able to work an hour or so into a couple days a week. Need to be eating better too so I'm gonna start packing a lunch when Im going to school and trying to watch what I am eating, I am by no stretch going on a diet Diets dont work but watching what I am eating sure wont hurt. :)

I want to get more organized, in my time and my space. I need better organizational skills and I need the desire to keep it up. So that is a goal I have, better organization.

I am on a mission to learn as much about my field as I can so reading is a great thing for me so less TV which isn't an issue because no having power for all that time broke my bad habit of TV watching and so while there are shows and movies I still want to watch I am going to be more careful about it. The DVR is being put to use and so is my burner because with those two tools I can still watch what I want to when I have the time to.

Even the simplest of plans can be the hardest to start up and keep going so hopefully I will find a way to realize my goals and keep striving for the best I am capable of achieving.

So here we go 2010 lets try to be slightly better friends then 2009 and I were.
what's buried in me

Sunday, September 13th, 2009

Subject:Losing my sanity...
Time:8:17 pm.
Mood: lost.
I am beginning to feel my sanity ebb away i think. The stress of this situation is becoming too much for me. Dad really wants me to go home and while it has HUGE downsides it is really beginning to become the route I am leaning towards. I could go hide and begin de-stressing for awhile. I just dont know how to leave teri...how to leave columbus....how to leave the ponies. How has the others who walked away do it? I dont know how its done with out a piece of me being broken and left behind.

I want an answer...a fix...some clue what to do. Something.
How do i deal with this.
It has NEVER been this bad. We've had it bad but never like this. I have never gone to bed hungry because there is no way to make food and no money to buy food. No electric to read by and no music to get lost in.

I am not sure how realistic about the situation Teri is being either. She is so dead set against us living with grandma adn just keeps saying we are going to ahve to find a way to afford a place....how? where is the money coming from? some one please tell me.

I am so on edge i just want to hide from everyone or i am picking fights or flipping out on the phone to those i talk to. I am killing my father more everyday too cause he cant handle knowing how bad it is here right now and that i wont just let him come get me.

I need to sit down with teri and talk about this. I am wondering if money wise it would make more sense for her to find a place for her and me to go home and send her money for the ponies.

I dont knwo what to do anymore.
1 decided to see what's buried in me

Saturday, September 5th, 2009

Subject:Guess I should type smething in here....
Time:7:18 pm.
Mood: worried.
Ok so it is official we are homeless agian. Ok so we will be homeless again in like 5 weeks. The house sold in a sheriff sale on July 10th. Twisted part....Teri and I both feel relief...like ok we lost the house now is time to act and move on. The question is to where..

I am debating going home to Dads, strongly debating. Dad is offering to pay for 90% of my life so I can concentrate on school again. Teddi would most likely be coming with me there and dad has offered that same thing to her. Leaving teri is not something i have decided I am ready to do.

We are with out power currently...have been for over a week and proabily will be til we move somewhere. The income coming in the house is not enough to support us in any kind of home ranging from 400 to 600 per month in rent. We just dont make enough. We may possibly end up at Grandma's for a little while. I am at least going to try to finish this quarter at osu then transfer to YSU if I end up going home. Dont know how driving from Mt.vernon to Columbus every day is going to work at all but I just dont know what our options are. Teri seems to think we are going to find a place I thnk she is nuts cause even if we do i dont see how this situation wont just happen again and I am TIRED of living this way. Constantly worrying about what will be shut off next. Will i have enough money for food or gas or what ever else we need. I am just so tired of it. Sometimes I worry this will forever be my life. :(

I fluctuate from ok to down and concernted but i guess that is to be expected in this mess.

Been throwing myself into my Anita Blake books as an escape and they are doing a wonderful job of taking me away from this all. Figure i need to start packing next week. I need to try to be packed before school starts on the 23rd. Dont see how i can work, pack, move and do school easily and I dont wnat to have to drop this quarter I just dont. So I am off monday i am thinking I will work on my room until its to warm up there to work on it. Maybe i will be lucky and it will be a cool day and I will get it all packed up in one day. Why not it might happen.

I HATE my job. its just getting more and more dumb. One good side to moving home to dad's is NOT MEIJER.

Well I guess I need to go pony. So I am gonna cut this short.
what's buried in me

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

Subject:Bad dream
Time:6:28 pm.
Mood: Shaken.
Okay so I have tried all day to put this dream out of my head. I have told Neil all about it and it is still in my head so I am wondering if I write it down somewhere maybe that will help ease it out of the forefront of my mind. I wonder how much I will cry while typing this...this dream has really rocked me and i am just dumbfounded by that fact. I am sure it is just a combo of the overload of me being sick for like four days and the horse at the barn getting injured (not one of ours), but man has it rocked me.

Ok, so where I remember it picking up is in a hospital room. The main bed is empty but the room is full. My mom and dad are there. Neil's mom and dad are there. Neil is there. I am there of course. Teddi and others are in the hall. No one is really saying much. There is just a silence around the room. The steady hum of the oxygen tank and beep of the heart monitor is really all that is heard. Some how I know I am suppose to be in the bed but instead I am sitting in the chair beside the bed. Stubbornness I am sure. We are all waiting for the doctor to come back in for some reason I am still trying to sort out in my mid dream haze. I look down at myself and I am in the hospital gown but the concern is not about me. Suddenly its like a flood of memories I should have had just hit me full force. Enough that I gasp and now have mom, (Dianna) at my side encouraging me back into bed reminding me that I did just have an emergency C section.

** The memories. I remembered waking up at like 3am waiting for the familiar wake up kicks from him. But this morning there was no stirring. No movement. I waited, maybe he was sleeping in a bit this morning. He usually was like clock work and i figured he would be like that once born too but this morning something wasn't right. Panic began over coming me so I woke Neil telling him something is wrong I know it. He isn't awake he is always awake by now. We need to go to the hospital. He doesn't argue, a quick call to his parents for an Emily Babysitter so we don't have to wake her. With in a few mins they are there and we are on our way to the hospital. A faint heart beat found by the ER doc leads to an emergency ambulance trip to Akron and an emergency C-section. Shawn Edward (the name is what Neil wants his boy to be called) was delivered, two months early with some kind of kink in the umbilical cord cutting off his crucial supply of everything from me for at least a few hours.

Back to the current time flow in the dream. Now here we sit in my hospital room waiting on test results on him...wondering if we can see him..what they have found out...whats going on. The doctor comes in, the typical doctor face on. And give us an up date that to me basically sounds like the charlie brown teachers talking. When he leaves I look at mom for help understanding and she tells me that Shawn is not doing well. He doesn't breathe on his own regularly enough and they are worried about him being strong enough to make it through. Currently they have him on a machine that is forcing his lungs to take in air regularly hoping it will encourage him to begin the rhythm on his own soon. They say his brain functions seem strong and normal for his development and they know babies who were born earlier who grew up to be perfectly normal as long as they are strong enough. All i keep thinking is God let him be strong enough. There are fuzzy parts and then it clears. The room now becomes centered around the bassinet with the protective tent over it. There is a couple of chairs pushed together in make shift bed and a pile of blankets on the floor showing that some of us have been living there for the time span that has passed. I don't know how much time has passed. I would say a good couple of days maybe weeks though because everyone is dressed differently and I am healing up and moving quite well. There is a tension in the air. While Shawn is getting stronger they tell us they still haven't trusted him to be able to take in enough oxygen on his own so he is still on the breathing machine. Today they want us to make the call to take him off it and see if he can breathe on his own.
The room has cleared out leaving just me sitting in a chair holding him in my arms. So tiny. His Blue eyes are open, not really focused on anything but open and I, as his mom can pretend they are looking at me. I chuckle at his full head of dark brown hair like his daddy and that stubborn jaw set when he doesn't like what is happening to him. I just sit rocking him gently and I ask him. "So hon do you want to try it on your own now. you can't let these Machines breathe for you forever now can you... Your daddy is so proud of how strong you are getting. He is trying to put up a good front for you. Doesn't want you to know how scared he is..but we know don't we..How do we know...because we are just as scared." Slowly the room begins to fill with the well wishers, prayers are said, he is gently passed over to Neil's dad who has decided he is the brave one to hold him while the machine is unplugged. I am shaking to badly afraid I'll drop him. Neil's Dad gently sits down in the glider rocker as the doctor comes in. "Now if he doesn't breathe on his own we can try again later but you do need to be aware that he may just not be able to breathe on his own ever and we will have to discuss your options." I feel my daddy step up behind me. I suddenly realize I have no idea where Neil is but I feel him near me so i don't look for him, no need. I slowly lean into daddy not trusting my own legs to hold me. The doctor unhooks the machine and that warning beep begins. The one you always hear when a machine isn't hooked up right, the loud piercing shatter your ears sound that you never forget no matter why you hear it. That beep startled me enough in the dream to send me completely up right in my bed 3:30am. My face wet with tears and shaking.

I have yet to completely recover from this dream. Even as I sit here and type this out tears stream down my face. It was just so vivid. So real. I swear I can still remember how his face looked, how he felt in my arms. I have never been mommy in any dream I have had...at least not mommy to this magnitude. I've been shaken up by this dream all day. Talked to Neil about it so at least he knows what my mood has been today. :sigh: The mind sure knows how to knock ya for a loop huh.
what's buried in me

Thursday, July 30th, 2009

Subject:Today's Horoscope
Time:9:43 pm.
"The good luck pendulum is swinging back toward the business and financial areas of your life today! Look for either a big expenditure to disappear suddenly, a new source of income to show signs of growth, or a new opportunity for upward mobility to arrive on the scene. Whatever the reason for this sunnier weather in your financial universe, it will put your life on the pathway toward a bigger lifestyle full of complicated -- but welcome -- changes."

Lets hope its even slightly true.

Talked to a lawyer Monday about chapter 13 for my car. They are going to repo it and I dont have any other way to stop that from happening but the major hitch is I need $550 ASAP and I am not sure how I am going to get it. I can get bout three hundered of that in two weeks but I'm still short so I just dont know. but I have to get this started soon cause once its filed they cant come get my car and they are coming i figure in less then a week to get it. \

Got to love no money and crappy jobs

There is so much more I need to say but i have to be up at 4 so its off to bed for me.

what's buried in me

Monday, July 20th, 2009

Subject:Im back!!
Time:1:47 pm.
Hello Live journal I am back.
1 decided to see what's buried in me

Saturday, September 13th, 2008

Time:5:02 pm.
Mood: bouncy.
We have internet!! and cable back in the house again!! WOO HOOO!!!!
what's buried in me

Tuesday, September 9th, 2008

Subject:Quick, remeber this lyric
Time:3:10 pm.
Mood: busy.

"Any fool can make a baby, it takes a Man to raise a Child."

Aaron Lines "It Takes a Man"

Good song, but I loved this line and had to take a quick study break to put it in here.

Don't have time to post right now. I will try to post tomorrow.
what's buried in me

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008

Subject:Possibly getting better but its too soon to tell.
Time:5:49 pm.
Mood: groggy.
Ok so I spent the weekend at mom and dad's. It was nice and stressful both. I got time with mom and dad and got to see tata and mamason so that was nice.

Still no job yet. And not having much luck but I'm hoping something will come along.

Teri has an appt with a lawyer on Friday at 10:30 to talk about chapter 13.

Dad was cool this weekend, He tried to be supportive any way he could. He tried to give me perspective and let me know that no matter what He will help me any way he can. When I cried and flipped out because I am trying so hard and life keeps kicking me down. Dad told me to remember that he was 34 when he finally finished his college education and that no matter how teh pieces crumble we will figure out how to pick each one up one piece at a time no matter how it needs to be done.

I did get to see neil for a lil bit this weekend, which was nice, and I even got to see Emily. :) I wish I could have been longer but I will take anything I can get at this point.

I rememebered how much I miss Tv while at mom and dad's. I watched Dane Cook on Comedy and other stupid stuff but it was nice.

I love Dane Cook, Gabrial Iglesias is a new one I have found and he is HYSTERICAL!! :) throw in Jeff Dunham and I'd be rolling on floor happily.

Ok so I think I need to get back to my paper I've only got 2 hours til I am picked up from campus.
what's buried in me

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008

Subject:My last day
Time:9:39 pm.
Mood: scared.
So tomorrow is my last day at David's bridal. You would think with as much shit as I have had to put up with there I would be happier to not have to go in there anymore and deal with that stress but there is a very large part of me that is sadened by this. I have grown to enjoy quite a few of my coworkers and changing jobs quite often means the loss of those friendships. Also I still do not have anything else lined up yet and I am terrified of being unemployeed forever. I saw some of my girls today and said my goodbye's I will see some tomorrow and hopefully I will manage to see the others when I pick up my last check then we will see how this pans out for me. I passed off my number and email addy to any one that asked for it and there are some that I truely hope use it. The job sucks but the girls were awesome and opened their hearts to me as I have them.

Things are really not better on the Home front. We have a little less then a week and a half yet to figure something out. I keep trying to tell myself that all hope is not lost. The girls are both trying to find part time jobs on top of their full time ones, what scares me is the whole car thing. We are running my car to DEATH and I jsut pray that god loves me enough to keep her running til we figure something out.

I am terrified. I am scared out of my mind about waht is coming up. Nothing I do makes this fear that I have subside in the least. I worry about what happens if we lose the house, I worry about how to pick up the pieces and keep going no matter if we lose or if we keep the house. I worry about what friends I will lose by having to move now and I am so not even sure where to figure I will be going. Where do you store a house full of stuff, i know there are storage units but my life has had that tradigy in it before and those scare me. I am scared. I am so frickin scared and I don't know how to shake this feeling. I want to be here. I want to be with my friends, in the city i have come to know as home with the roads I no longer fear and the rituals that I find comfort in. I want to be here when Kitten has Apriella. I want to find the time to be with Gabe and Serena. I want to decorate MY home for christmas no brian drama this year NO need to ignore the holiday except in your bedroom. I do not want to go back to mom and dad's where the ones I left behind do not know me now and do not know how to deal with my changes. I want to be in school and working on my goals not feeling like a complete failure again and wondering if I will ever make something of myself or if I'm just kidding myself. I want to put up my pictures in my room and buy more bookselves to bring out the items that have been living in boxes forever not be trying to find more boxed to pack the things I just unpacked less then 6 months ago.

Oh well. Nothing I can do now but live in my fear and hang on tight to the rollercoaster that is my life.

Time to run, I have to pick teri up from Work and I jsut was killing time in the comp lab after class tonight.
what's buried in me

Monday, August 25th, 2008

Subject:The tears that fill my eyes fall on the Teddy Bear he gave me.....
Time:2:55 pm.
Mood: tired.
So my relationship almost came to a screeching halt Friday. I am still sorting through all the details myself but lets just say its been a rough few days. He was going to break it off with me, reasons are still kinda fuzzy but his phone call after not calling me for almost two days was just to tell me his decision and it turned into a three hour fight/conversation/tearfilled discussion and now we are just at the wait and see point. I argued with him, tried to understand his issues and make him see mine, where I am coming from and what his words/actions and lack of communication is doing to us. So we BOTH know there are things going on that we need to work on and he has admitted that alot of this mess is his making because of his insecurities and lack of understanding. And now we wait and see.

Its been getting worse and worse between us, to the point where all I wanted was to be in front of him and see if I could remember why I feel in love with him, see if I would just want to fall into his arms and feel him around me or if I would want him to stay over there and not touch me because it's going to hurt but I couldnt seem to get us together no matter what I tried so I was just holding on and hoping I would feel again. Is this going to work? I hope so.....because I do love him.....I just am hoping that Love is all that is needed because I don't want to give us up yet. I want to remember why we thought this was forever.

The converstations we have had since the BIG one have been better. We are still sorting through the rubble and trying to find what pieces fit and what pieces shouldnt even be there so hopefully what we find will bring us back to where the love songs make sense again.

I currently do not have the desire or time to type out all teh sorted details of our break down maybe I will put it in here maybe not, maybe its best to just let it go from my mind rather then put it here..... I dont know yet.

I quit my job. Ok i turned in my notice but I still have made it official. Two weeks and i am free from them, or less if they dont put me on the schedule next week.

I have applied a couple of places, Rgis the inventory company, Rural Metro, Pets Supply Plus is hiring Salary managers and I think that would be great for me so i am kinda crossing my fingers for that one if nothing else. Still need to finish the apps for the three sherriff's offices. Hoping I will be employeed soon..... still working on the having a home to go to.
1 decided to see what's buried in me

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